“Politesse”, which literally translates as politeness but might better be described by another French word, etiquette, is of major importance when both visiting and living in France. Learn how learning a little politesse can ease your way when moving to France.
It’s ironic that while some people may regard French people as rude and direct, the very opposite in fact is true. This misconception perhaps stems from the masterfully honed French skill of direct and unflinching eye contact.
Much more prevalent here than in other countries, looking someone directly in the eyes in France is a statement of interest and engagement. Therefore considered polite as opposed to rude. Start living in any French community and you will see quite quickly that French politesse, is on display at every turn.
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Greetings
When in France, it is polite to greet everyone who crosses your path. This is the first and most important rule of French politesse. Whether known to you or not, everyone you meet should be acknowledged, in some way.
How to greet them though, can often prove slightly trickier. When entering a shop, everyone, including the shopkeeper as well as fellow shoppers should be greeted with a cheery “Bonjour Mesdames/Messieurs”. Never forgetting to leave with a “Bonne journée”.
How to kiss in France
If a person is known to you, it is perfectly normal to greet them with a handshake or cheek kisses (known as “les bises”). Cheek kisses can be difficult for foreigners to adapt to. Often seemingly more familiar than some of us are used to, but totally de rigeur in France. This tradition returned quickly to French daily life even after the onslaught of the COVID pandemic.
Lips are absolutely not supposed to touch skin here. It is simply a touching of cheeks with a pursed lip.
The norm is for kisses between mixed sexes, with handshakes between males. However, many men with close relationships will also opt for the kisses option. With regards to etiquette, lips are absolutely not supposed to touch skin here. It is simply a touching of cheeks with a pursed lip. Meant solely as a sign of affection. Where you live dictates the number of kisses ultimately delivered. As well as which cheek should be offered up first!
Language nuances
Perhaps the trickiest aspect of French politesse, especially for foreigners (who do not have to navigate the same issue in their native language) is whether to address someone as “tu” or “vous”. This becomes more problematic as time moves on, with the boundaries becoming less “rigid”.
The rule of thumb is that when addressing adult people unknown to you, “vous” should always be used. For figures of authority or people older than you, that you do not have close familial links with, this may forever remain the case. Although they may at some point let you know that it is ok to address them more informally. The phrase to listen out for in this instance is “Vous pouvez me tutoyer!”.
If in doubt, use “vous”. The rules of French politesse dictate that it is much better for someone to give you permission to greet them more informally, than to offend.
When addressing children, people that are known well to you, or family, “tu” is what you should use. A useful guide to tu and vous can be found here.
Any question asked should be always be preceded with a greeting first. Then any question then subsequently asked in the conditional tense. For example, “could I ask?”, “could you tell me?”, or “could I have?” rather than simply I want. This is because according to French politesse, simply saying “I want” is considered rather abrupt and even rude.
Dining
Some rules of dining are pretty universal, such as not talking with one’s mouth full and not leaving food when invited to others for dinner. However, there are other rules of French politesse around dining that are more intricate.
Never ever, make the faux pas of starting to eat before the host.
When hosting a meal, it is polite to invite as many men as women so that the conversation is not gendered in favour of one or the other. The most important male guest should be placed to the right of the female host. With the second most important guest placed to her left. Never ever, make the faux pas of starting to eat before the host, (even if she is simply finishing a conversation) unless directed. Waiting until hosts lift their glass to “cheers” is the norm. As is eye contact when both doing this as well as when talking!
Just don’t start before he does!
Etiquette also dictates that where males are present, they should always pour the wine for ladies seated at any French table. Hands should be kept firmly on the table each side of your plate. Rather than in your lap or out of sight, even when not in use. And while knives and forks are always used to eat, never fingers, it is very rare to see French people cut bread with knives, instead choosing to tear it.
Discussion
General discussion is a subject very much ruled by French politesse. It is highly important when discussing anything with anyone in France to look them squarely in the eyes. The French are masters of eye contact and for many foreigners this can prove rather uncomfortable. But not to hold the gaze of who you are speaking to is considered rude and disrespectful in France. Implying that you are not listening to, or do not care for the other persons point of view.
Also perhaps more important than elsewhere particularly if not in familiar company, is to gauge the mood and tone of other people at the event.
It is expected to ask questions of others, signifying that you are interested in both them, as well as their opinions. Do not dominate the conversation and ensure two way discussion. There are certainly subjects that should very much be avoided during general discussion, due to potential risk of fall out. These include financial affairs, love life details, politics and religion. All subjects generally regarded as better discussed with those you know well.
Letter Writing
Letter writing is an area which is normally much more formal in France than most other countries. There are not only rules of French politesse around the content and layout of letters, but also the greeting (“formule d’appel”) as well as the sign off (“formule de politesse”). Greetings are very rarely started by “Dear”, unless you are writing to friends or family. Sign offs involve notoriously long-winded sentences, but are very carefully coded with regards to French manners.
Letter writing is still used, as one of the most effective ways of recording proof of being upset about a level of service or registering complaint. So perhaps this enhances the formality around letter writing in France. Email and online still has a very long way to go in order to catch up with the process of sending a registered letter in order to start discussions on most things formal and officious in France. So it is very important that when writing them, especially for these purposes one follows the rules of French politesse.
In summary
All that being said, most of us come into close contact in France in our new lives with people who thankfully do not seem to judge too harshly when it comes to the formal rules of French Politesse. Who certainly forgive easily for using the wrong greeting, the wrong tense, or making “mistakes” when it comes to French etiquette. Simply appreciating the efforts already being made. But make no mistake, they will however, notice them, if not hold them against you! French politesse is actually very much ingrained into the hearts of every French citizen, and is a trait of which, they are quite rightly proud.
